Forum calls attention to grandparents’ struggles

Howard Manly

State representative John A. Lepper told an all too familiar story.

His youngest daughter had a problem with drugs and alcohol. One thing led to another, and the next thing anyone knew, she had two children. Her relationship with the father of the two babies ended badly, and she was back in the mess — again.

Caught in the middle were the two children. Fortunately, Lepper and his wife had the financial wherewithal to gain legal guardianship of the two children. More important, the Leppers had the will to intervene in their grandchildren’s lives, who at the time were eight months and two years old.

By all accounts, grandparents raising grandchildren is an increasing problem. Conservative estimates suggest 68,000 children are now being raised by their grandparents throughout the state. Nearly 12,000 of those are in Boston.

And the problem is not only in Massachusetts — grandparents are raising an estimated six million children across the country.

The age difference is only the start of the problem. The courts try to balance the rights of the parents with the best interest of the child, and all too often, that indecision leads to a disruptive home. Money woes are always looming, as are bread-and-butter issues such as education, health care and housing.

As it is now, very few are listening. In the late nineties, the state had a very effective Grandparent Resource Network that provided all sorts of information and support groups to ease the burdens. But in the last few years that Network has all but dissolved.

Lepper believes that a good first step for grandparents is to resurrect that network across the state and create an advocacy group that can fight on a state-level for grandparent rights.

A good first step was taken last weekend when Roots to Wings, a non-profit support group for grandparent-headed households, held a forum at the Carney Hospital in Dorchester.

Gloria Coney was one of the participants. She now works as a commissioner on the Massachusetts Commission on the Status of Women and even that was part of the story.

“I had a business,” Coney told the gathering. “And as everyone knows when you own your own business, you need 48 hours day. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

The reason was her decision to take over the life of her grandchild. Like the Lepper’s youngest daughter, Coney’s daughter also lost control of her life and became a disruptive force in her child’s life. It was a painful decision.

My friends tell me that I was cold but I had to kill off my own daughter,’ she said. “I just couldn’t have her continuing to be a disruptive force. In order to go forward I had to have her out of the way. It was painful because a lot of us like to keep our business within the family.”

Coney said raising a grandchild is no simple matter. She told the story of one of the first times she went to a hospital and was disrespected by health care officials there.

“Their attitude was like you didn’t do it right the first time, how could you do it right a second time,” she said.

Coney said she knows of the hardships. She almost lost her home and struggled to send her grandchild to a private school.

Coney didn’t see much of a choice. But that choice has very real consequences.

“A lot of grandparents are not in a position to help,” said Cheryl R. Harding, founder and executive director of From Roots to Wings. “There’s no help from the state. In fact, a lot of time, the state works against you. So what happens is that we become isolated, depressed and just plain tired.”

Harding knows all too well of the struggle. Her daughter became addicted to crack, and her life was one of irresponsibility. So Harding had to fill the gap.

But the relationship between grandparent and grandchild can be traumatic. Justin Claiborne’s mother was killed by his father, and his grandmother raised him. He’s now at the Berkelee School of Music studying music, but it was a tough road. “Grandparents tend to be stricter,” said Claiborne, 21. “And my generation is basically lazy. And my grandmother just didn’t understand that. She thought we really have it easy compared to what she had to experience growing up.”

Boston City Councilor Chuck Turner was also raised by his grandmother. He was four years old when he was dropped off at his 70-year-old grandmother’s house in Florida. “It was traumatic, to say the least,” Turner said.

Turner told the gathering that he the City Council could hold a hearing and possible urge state legislators to establish a commission on grandparents raising their grandchildren.

“While the extent of the problem is not clear,” Turner explained, “what is clear is that grandparents are taking the burden off the city and the state.”

But for whatever reason, the grandparenting issue is not a hot topic. Of the 200 or so public officials invited to the event, including ones to the state Office of Elder Affairs, only state Rep. Lepper, City Councilor Turner and a representative from mayor Tom Menino’s Office showed up.