Once a victim, Jones now helps men deal with grief

Serghino René

Anthony Perkins stared straight ahead for a moment, then nodded in silence.

“I’m sad [Antoine] is gone…I’m angry and I hurt,” he said.

Less than 6 months ago, Perkins lost his son Antoine to gun violence. He died while sitting on his front porch in Mattapan and became the 44th homicide in Boston this year. Perkins said his feelings are still fresh, but he recently realized that he doesn’t have to go through it alone.

Milton Jones of Dorchester knows what Perkins is talking about. While living in Leominster, Jones lost his stepson Eleigh to gun violence in 1993. Aware of the turmoil fathers undergo as a result of losing a child, Jones started a support group to help other fathers of murdered children cope and deal with their grief.

Through the American Friends Service Committee, Jones recently headed the first “For Men, By Men” meeting, held in Dorchester’s Louis D. Brown Peace Institute in Fields Corner. A small group of fathers gathered in a conference room and expressed their pain, frustrations and an array of other emotions that have stemmed from their personal tragedies.

“This is an opportunity for men who have a common bond to come together and deal with the issues and feelings they often deny,” said Jones. “We are trying to come together and strategize on how do we make a change? And how do we get through our ordeal? We need to look at some of the obstacles we face and openly discuss how we grieve or don’t grieve.”

Since his son’s death, Jones has been a community advocate for change, now serving as president of the Three Pyramid Incorporation and an active member of the American Friends Service Committee and Families of Murdered Victims for Human Rights. He also serves on the board of the Coalition for Re-entry Initiative, the National Coalition for Criminal, Social and Economic Justice and the Community Empowerment Program.  He is an Instructor at the Plymouth County Correctional Facility Community Re-entry Prep Group.

As Jones explains, men grieve differently and part of that has a direct link with their protector-provider role in society. Men are taught to hide their tears and to replace their sadness with anger. As a result, Jones said, most men won’t verbalize their pain and often deny that they are sad. Men may want to stay alone to think things through, but all too often they come off angry or anti-social.

“Life is not the same when you lose a child,” Jones said. “The household’s family structure — relationship with parents and their kids, husband and wife — changes. As a father, you feel a sense of failure and you begin to question if you were a good parent.”

Grief shows in many different forms — anger, hurt, guilt and despair — and men will try to hide it by busying themselves with various activities. Though men deal with death differently, Jones wants to make clear that there is support out there.

For Perkins, this men’s group is a progressive step forward towards moving on and helping him realize he is not the only father going through pain.

“I can see how other guys dealing with their loss and I feel positive,” he said. “To come here and be able to express what I’m feeling, knowing someone else is going through it, will help me get through this.”